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I've seen a fair number of people posting on LJ and various mailing lists, saying that they have no or few social skills, or that they don't know the rules of social situations.
And this set me to thinking about such things, because I'm not aware of knowing any of these "rules of society". There is the way I behave, which certainly follows rules, because I think that if I stop following those rules, I'll probably revert to being the obnoxious creature I suspect I was as a teenager. These rules include things like chivalry (not real medieval chivalry, but some strange idealised version that got stuck in my head at some stage and refuses to leave), not shouting at people, sharing. But very often, other people don't expect me to follow those rules, and are surprised when I do. Most people seem to consider me unusually calm, because I don't shout. I'm marked as generous (or a soft touch) because I share things. And there has been at least one case of someone being strongly insulted by my chivalry, possibly not noticing that I extend it to everyone around me, not just them. At times, I get somewhat annoyed because people don't follow these rules. They barge ahead of me in queues, shout at each other and me, and don't offer me coffee if they're going to get some. And I'm sure there are rules they have that I don't follow.
But the thing is that I don't know those rules, and I can't unless they tell me. Nor can anyone else.
Now, many people who remark on this feeling of not knowing the rules say it's because they spent a childhood reading books, or these days online - not much interaction, and so they never got used to it.
Here we move into my own pet theory: No, it's bloody not because of that. Nobody knows these rules, everybody mildly offends people on a daily basis by not knowing how to deal with them. The people who spent their childhoods reading just notice it more - and are more likely to write it down. Anyone with half a brain gets the internal monologue of "I don't know what to say, this is so awkward, oh gods what did I just say, he looks angry, maybe I can make it better if I..." Anyone who doesn't have that dialogue is probably offending people all the time.
In older days, there were manuals of etiquette. Those were memorised, people behaved as they said, and while one might have had to suppress a feeling or two, things generally moved more smoothly. Those don't exist any more, and I'm not always convinced that we're better off without them. But they're gone - and besides, they were often full of daft rules like which fork to use and which way to tip a bowl.
These days, what can you do? Here's what: Be friendly: Speak to people, even if it's to say "Hi, I'm Drew. I haven't a clue what to do here - have you?". Be courteous: Have some regard for what other people are doing, don't shout, don't barge in front of them, speak clearly (this is one I took years to get the hang of; I'd be intoduced to people and my first words would be "Eyurghle").
Getting up the courage to do those things is a whole other matter, but don't let yourself have the excuse of not knowing the rules: There are no rules.
And this set me to thinking about such things, because I'm not aware of knowing any of these "rules of society". There is the way I behave, which certainly follows rules, because I think that if I stop following those rules, I'll probably revert to being the obnoxious creature I suspect I was as a teenager. These rules include things like chivalry (not real medieval chivalry, but some strange idealised version that got stuck in my head at some stage and refuses to leave), not shouting at people, sharing. But very often, other people don't expect me to follow those rules, and are surprised when I do. Most people seem to consider me unusually calm, because I don't shout. I'm marked as generous (or a soft touch) because I share things. And there has been at least one case of someone being strongly insulted by my chivalry, possibly not noticing that I extend it to everyone around me, not just them. At times, I get somewhat annoyed because people don't follow these rules. They barge ahead of me in queues, shout at each other and me, and don't offer me coffee if they're going to get some. And I'm sure there are rules they have that I don't follow.
But the thing is that I don't know those rules, and I can't unless they tell me. Nor can anyone else.
Now, many people who remark on this feeling of not knowing the rules say it's because they spent a childhood reading books, or these days online - not much interaction, and so they never got used to it.
Here we move into my own pet theory: No, it's bloody not because of that. Nobody knows these rules, everybody mildly offends people on a daily basis by not knowing how to deal with them. The people who spent their childhoods reading just notice it more - and are more likely to write it down. Anyone with half a brain gets the internal monologue of "I don't know what to say, this is so awkward, oh gods what did I just say, he looks angry, maybe I can make it better if I..." Anyone who doesn't have that dialogue is probably offending people all the time.
In older days, there were manuals of etiquette. Those were memorised, people behaved as they said, and while one might have had to suppress a feeling or two, things generally moved more smoothly. Those don't exist any more, and I'm not always convinced that we're better off without them. But they're gone - and besides, they were often full of daft rules like which fork to use and which way to tip a bowl.
These days, what can you do? Here's what: Be friendly: Speak to people, even if it's to say "Hi, I'm Drew. I haven't a clue what to do here - have you?". Be courteous: Have some regard for what other people are doing, don't shout, don't barge in front of them, speak clearly (this is one I took years to get the hang of; I'd be intoduced to people and my first words would be "Eyurghle").
Getting up the courage to do those things is a whole other matter, but don't let yourself have the excuse of not knowing the rules: There are no rules.
From:
Hmm.
Things like "Always say good morning to the people you work with" and "Ask people 'how are you' even when you don't care" and "When asked how you are, don't give a full and honest answer - say either 'fine thanks' or 'I've been a bit unwell' or something, because they don't care" and "don't appear in a corporate environment in a skirt that shows unshaven legs".
Ooh - don't correct adults' grammar; it's not a good reflex action. Make sure to go to at least the first two work social events you're invited to unless you intend to stay in the job less than 6 months; not liking to go to pubs is no excuse. Wear different-looking clothes each day of any three-day period.
These are just the rules I can remember learning; I'm sure there are many others. There are some I ignore - "don't wear nail polish unless it's red, pink or brown", "never tell a customer that you cannot do what they ask", "take all racist, sexist, sizist jokes entirely in your stride because they're funny, dammit". I particularly hate that last one and am waging an ongoing campaign; the level of casual nastiness that's allowed bothers me.
I'd like to live in a world where I felt that these rules were optional. I suppose they are optional. It depends on whether I want to be sacked for "not fitting in" or not.
A.
rambling